What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 01:35
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She loved him until the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I think the readers, may guess!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
How do you emotionally react to when others seem to feel sorry for you?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was 9 years of age.
Have you ever lied to your family? What were the circumstances?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I will be 64.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
If Trump were to lose in 2024, would that be the end of his grip on the Republican Party?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Comes on , in middle age.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But, we were locked up after school.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was scared of men, in general
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ive learnt so much.
What did i know ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I don,t even have a pension.
Would this be the day?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Put me off passion for life!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She married twice! .
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I could never make a relationship work though!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
When she asked me how she looked .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
This is soul school!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
All the time i was locked up.
My family never makes their pension either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He knew the spot.
She found it foreign!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I never cut or harmed myself..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I have no regrets .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im still living with it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It was going to be , some day.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We all went to grammer schools
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was very sick at this time too.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Was to survive, this bastard.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I write beautiful poetry .
She was in good health!
My life is so biszare .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Who then, do I blame.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it wasn’t much.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She wouldn,t have been !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was seconnd youngest,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I waited trembling.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I said to her
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So whats the point in blame.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!